I’ve decided to start writing some short movie reviews on here. I’ve got quite a large DVD collection, most of of which I’ve now copied on to my Apple TV set-up. In my geekness, I’ve got movies stored on a couple of external hard disks connected to my wireless router so that I can stream them wirelessly to any of the Apple TVs. We’ve somehow ended up with 3 in our house. Surely that’s more than is healthy for any small family? My ratings will be based on the 5 stars system. Half stars are allowed so it’s effectively a score out of ten.

Unlike ‘proper’ critical reviews from bona-fide film critics, my ratings aren’t based on the quality of the film as judged by the usual standards. I simply rate films based on how much I enjoyed them or otherwise appreciated them. For instance, there’s certain comedies that may get a slating by the film critics and have a low rating on IMDB, but if they make me laugh I’m going to give them a higher rating, simple as.

There’s quite a few oscar winners and so-called ‘classics’ that I’ve seen which have bored me to tears. When that’s the case it gets a low rating. I don’t care if it was considered ground-breaking in its time, with beautiful cinematography and a narrative which captures the zeitgeist of the moment. If I yawned, it gets a low rating. An example which I saw for the first time recently is The Third Man (1949). There’s my invitation to join the British Film Institute out of the window!

I’ll very rarely review the latest releases as I generally wait until they’re out on DVD/Blueray. In fact, I’ve now boycotted the cinema after my experience during the last 2 visits. I took the family to see both Super 8 and the final Harry Potter, and on both occasions the experience was ruined by inconsiderate twats; munching, coughing, talking, slurping and causing light pollution from their mobile phones for the entire length of the film. They obviously have no appreciation for the Wittertainment Code of Conduct…

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A-KV_xkrnc&w=640&h=390]

I’ve currently got a patent lawyer looking into whether or not anyone else has patented my invention of wireless audio streaming in cinemas to surround-sound headphones that they can hand out like they do 3-D glasses. Not really. You can have that idea for free.

Talking about 3-D. I’m certainly over that gimmick. I actually like to see a sharp, bright picture, not the slightly blurred, dim experience you get through 3-D glasses, for which you have to pay a premium through the ticket price.

If I do visit the cinema again it will be to see a film nobody else wants to see. On a Sunday morning. Alternatively, it will be during the Summer to catch one of the Movies in the Park.

Then again, open-air cinema isn’t really the place to appreciate a film first time round. Not when you’re surrounded by heavy-petting teenagers and the dulcet tones of the generator for a burger van whirring away in the background.